Family Fun/Family Fun.iso/joke1/jokin_4/jokes4.txt

Text File | 1990-07-11 | 40KB | 867 lines

    Mary had a little sheep,
    with this sheep she went to sleep,
    then she found it was a ram,
    Mary had a little lamb.

     Once upon a time there was a cruise ship sailing.  On board, a
magician was giving a show to some passengers.  The magician ALWAYS had
a parrot on his shoulder.  Whenever the magician told a joke, the parrot
would give it away.  One time the magician had a knife, he spun it
around it dissappeared!  The parrot said "It's in his pocket, it's in
his pocket".  The crowd booed him because the parrot gave it away.  The
next trick he did, he waved a wand around and it vanished.  Again, the
parrot said, "It's up his sleeve!  It's up his sleeve!"  The magician
got mad because he couldn't keep any of his tricks secret.  The parrot
kept giving them away.
   One day the cruise ship sank.  The magician and the parrot managed to
make it to an island where they stayed for about 3 months when the
parrot, all of a sudden, burst out and asked:
            "Ok, I give up!  Where'd you hide the ship?"

     One day some scientists heard about a remote Island
     where there were Porpoises that lived forever!! So off they
     went to check it out.Upon arriving at the Island they
     discovered that there was also a huge colony of Mina Birds
     present.And,after further research,they found that the mina
     birds were the porpoise's main diet! Reasoning that somehow
     this was the reason for the porpoises immortality,they
     decided to capure some of the mina birds for further study.
     Enter the dilemma!--a huge and ferocous lion! Whenever the
     sci entists came close to capturing a mina bird,the lion
     would appear and ruin everything! So the scientists made a
     plan!They dug a deep pit,put some meat laced with a powerful
     sedative into it,covered the pit's opening with leaves and
     grass;and waited. Soon the lion came round,smelled the
     meat,fell into the pit,ate the meat,and fell fast asleep!!
     The scientists grabbed as many mina birds as they could
     carry,raced across the pit,and were promptly arrested!Why?
     Transporting minas across sedated lions for immortal
     porpoises!!!

Which is the non-smoking lifeboat?

      A man was walking down the street dragging his left foot behind
      him.  Coming in the opposite direction he saw a man walking
      toward him who also was dragging one of his feet behind him as
      he walked.  AS the two men met, the first one say,  Vietnam
      1969.  The second one said, Dog shit...a half block behind me.

          A Pollack was in the tailor shop lookin at his new suit in
          a three-way mirror.  The tailor said.."Well, what do you
          think of it?"  "Great, the Pollack said,  I'll take all
          three of them."

I had a job lined up as a chimney sweep, but it fell through.

I was supposed to work in the blood lab, but they told me I wasn't the
    right type for the job.

Then the offer I had to work for RJ Reynolds went up in smoke.

I was a trapeze artist for a while, but then I was let go.

I applied for a job as a telemarketer but didn't get the call.

She wanted to work as a hooker, but she didn't have it in her.

Bo, you don't get Diddley!

There was a professor in the Chemistry Dept. that I did graduate work
in who was noted for the difficulty of the tests he gave. His first
name was Percy.  On the morning of a test he walked into the lecture
hall to find the class very quiet and very diligently studying their
notes for that last fact for the test.  It wasn't until he had walked
up the aisle to pass out the tests and turned around that he saw the
message emblazoned on the blackboard in big chalk letters :
                     MERCY PERCY !
To which he replied :
                     Alas Class !

 The leper leaves and the hooker is standing in the open door way and a
door across the hall opens and a john walks out and another hooker looks
at the first hooker and says Hi, how's going?" the first hooker replies:
   "Business is falling off."

A good friend of mine, living in northern Michigan, decided to go ice
fishing.  He gathered up all of his tackle and moved out on the ice.
He started to auger a hole in the ice when he heard a voice boom out
from above:
                       'There are no fish here!'
 He thought for a few moments, gathered up his stuff, then moved a
little farther down the ice.  He started to auger a new hole in the
ice when he heard the voice boom out from above:
                      'There are no fish here!!'
 So, he gathered up his stuff again, moved a little farther down the
ice, then started to augher another hole in the ice.  Again he heard
the voice boom out from above:
                  'I said, there are no fish here!!!'
 He sheepishly asked:      'Is that you god?'
 To which the booming voice replied:
                      'No, I'm the rink manager'

No matter where you go, ... there you are

My wife and I were sitting out on our back porch, enjoying a glass
of lemonade after a long hard day.  A bird flew over and, with
perfect aim left a deposit squarely in the middle of my wife's head.
She reached up, felt the damage, and shouted:
                   'Quick, get some toilet paper'
   'It wouldn't do any good',  I quipped,  'He's miles away by now.'

                          A Christmas Story
The three wise men were riding their camels through the desert to
Bethlehem.  Finally they arrived at the manger containing Joseph,
Mary, and their newborn son.
  The first wise man, a very short fellow, climbed off his camel and
ran inside the manger.  After a few minutes he came running outside
and shouted:
               'I have seen him, the son of our lord!'
The second wise man, also a very short fellow, climbed off his camel
and ran inside the manger.  Soon he also came running outside
shouting:
             'I have seen the babe, our savior is born!'
The third wise man, a very tall towering figure of a man, climbed
off his camel and ran inside the manger: 'BOOOM', he hit his head on
a rafter and shouted  'Jesus Christ'.
  Mary looked up and said,
            'Hey, ... that sounds a lot better than Claude.'

Did you hear about the new food store in Jerusulum?
It's called:    Cheeses of Nazereth

Try Milk of Amnesia - when you need to forget

Seen on another Church Marquis:
        Sunday's sermon will be:
           Do you know what hell is?
        Come in and hear our organist.

what does a chinaman call a black with AIDS? Coonsoondi.

Phone rings as bar.
"Hello?"
"Is Mr. Freely there?  First initials I.P.?"
"Is there an I.P. Freely here?  I.P. FREELY!?"

I bought my GF a new seat for her bike, one of those wide versions
that fits a lady's pelvis a bit better than the OEM man's style. I
put it on for her while she was in class, just before we were to go
riding with a friend of ours. She came out to get her bike, and
didn't at first realise the seat had been changed, but then the
odor of new leather came to her, and she realized what I had done.
We rode to Barry's house, picked him up and started riding down the
valley route. She was a bit proud of the seat, so she told Barry I
had gotten it, and that she hadn't caught on til she smelled the
difference.  And Barry quipped:
   "You mean you smell bicycle seats??"

King Arthur was about to go fight in the crusades.  He felt sceptical
about leaving his wife (a beautiful young woman) with his 100 servants.
He decides to put a chastity belt on his wife so that if a man tried to
screw her, he'd get his dick chopped off.  When he came back from the
crusades he had all of his servants line up in a row and drop their
pants.  All of them had their dicks chopped off except one man.  "Son,"
King Arthur said, "Thank you for living up to the trust I have put on
thee.  I will grant you anything you want!"  The servent replied in a
very undistinguishable tone, "I wrruqbrg gwergnewrgh"!

There's a sign in front of a church near my home.
                   ┌───────────────┐
                   │     Come      │
                   │      to       │
                   │    Ch  ch     │
                   │               │
                   │What's missing?│
                   └──────┬─┬──────┘
                          │ │
                          │ │
                          │ │
                          │ │
               ───────────┴─┴────────────

"Don't you go where those huskies go,
 and don't you eat that yellow snow."
(Frank Zappa, philosopher)

Of things I've lost, I miss my mind the most
There was this 12 year old girl that got stuck with a pin but she
didn't feel the prick until she was 18.

They say "Love thy neighbor as thy self". What am I supposed to do?
Jerk him off too.

BANNANAS "The Womans Home Companion"

the guy out hunting ducks. He shot one and it fell in a
farmer's yard. When he went in to get it, the farmer came out and
they got into an argument about who owned the duck. Farmer said
it was his as it was on his property. The hunter said his as he'd
shot it.
After a few minutes, the farmer said, "We'll settle this country
style, We kick each other in the crotch in turn and the last guy
standing gets the duck." The hunter wasn't too keen on this, but
agreed. Farmer said he got the first kick as it was his property.
He laid in a good one and the hunter spent the next ten minutes
rolling around on the ground in agony. Finally, he recovered
enough to take his turn. "Ready?" he asked. The farmer said, "Ah,
hell take the damned duck!"

Did you hear about the black boy that jumped into the freezer?
 -He had diarrhea and he thought he was melting.

What's smurf sex?
-Screwing until you're blue in the face.

Do ya guys wanna hear a cookie joke?
-Forget it, it's too crummy

Do ya guys wanna hear a fast joke? (Yes)
-Do ya wanna hear another one?

 1) When Jim Morrison sings, I get Door-gasms.
 2) I love abusing the down-trodden.  It gives me poor-gasms.
 3) Thinking about Burt Reynold's ex-lovers gives me Dinah Shore-gasms.
 4) Listening to Satanic Heavy Metal gives me Tipper Gore-gasms.
 5) Star Trek, The Next Generation gives me Geordi LaForge-gasms.  (ehhh)
 6) Bob Hope/Bing Crosby movies give me Road to Bora-Bora-gasms.
 7) Japanese war movies give me Tora Tora Tora-gasms.  (ehhh)
 8) Jacques Cousteau documentaries give me explore-gasms.
 9) Anything with Kim Basinger gives me adore-gasms.
10) Professional golf on TV gives me fore-gasms.  Or bore-gasms, grin.

Why are you SHOUTING at us in ALL CAPITAL LETTERS?

       Computer Reference Manual, MAD Magazine...
                what's the difference?

Shredded Disaster is Murphy Slaw

     What's the difference between Mono and Herpes?
        -- Well, you can get Mono by snatching a kiss...

What color is a chameleon on a mirror?

What is the output of a vacuum pump?

   What kind of dog has four legs and one arm?
          -- A Pit Bull!

   What do you get when you cross a Pit Bull with Lassie?
      -- A dog that rips your leg off and then runs for help!

   What do you get when you cross a Pit Bull with Lassie?
      -- A dog that rips your leg off and then runs for help!

   What's the difference between Erotic and Kinky?
       -- With Erotic, you use a feather...
               for Kinky, you use the entire chicken!

Jim Finn, the noted biologist, was stumped.  He'd spent
months studying the little green frogs in the Keefo swamp.
The population, despite all efforts at predator control, was
declining at an alarming rate.  Finally Finn went to the
chemistry department at his college, to see if anyone there
might be able to help.  Tom Trom looked into the problem,
and came up with a solution.  The little frogs had succumbed
to a chemical change in the swamp's water, and simply
couldn't stay coupled long enough to reproduce.  Trom
brewed up a new adhesive, made from a dash of this, a zoss
of that, and, most critically, one part of sodium.  "You
mean?..." Jim said when told.  "Yes," said Tom.  "They
needed mono-sodium glue to mate."

While hiking in the woods, Nate and Sam found this huge rock
which had an old iron lever attached to it. Etched into the
rock was the following inscription: "If this lever is
pulled, the world will come to an end!" Nate wanted to pull
the lever and see what would happen, but Sam, being a
paranoid pessamist, greatly feared this! He said to Nate
that if he tried to pull the lever, he'd shoot him! In a
daring attempt, Nate lunged for the lever, and sure enough,
Sam shot him! What is the moral of this story? Better Nate
than lever!

 King John and King Paul had been at war for years, and King
 Paul was getting tired of it. He decided to make peace
 between himself and King John. So he sent his eldest son,
 his most trusted Prince, to see King John and arrange the
 peace. Well, the Prince travelled for days and finally
 arrived at King John's castle. It was a huge stone
 fortress, surrounded by a deep moat which was filled with
 tiny Piranha-like fish called Yellow Fingers. These Yellow
 Fingers could strip a cow to the bones in minutes! So the
 Prince yelled up to the guards, "Lower your drawbridge! I
 come from King Paul to arrange the peace." They did lower
 the drawbridge, but just as the prince put one foot on it,
 they yanked the drawbridge back up again, causing the
 prince to flip into the moat, where he was eaten by the
 Yellow Fingers.      When King Paul heard this he was very
 upset, but he was still determined to make the peace. So he
 sent his most trusted Barons as his emissaries. One by one
 they were tricked into falling in the moat. King Paul sent
 his Dukes. They too were eaten by the fish. Finally no one
 was left n the castle but a little page boy. "Page," said
 King Paul wearily, you are my last hope. You must make the
 peace between King John and me. lad, and good luck." The
 page went to the drawbridge "I come from King Paul to
 arrange the peace!" As they had done many times before,
 King John's men lowered the bridge, then yanked it back up
 just as the victim put a foot on it.         But a strange
 thing happened. The page, instead being eaten, walked right
 along the bottom of the moat, climbed onto  drawbridge, and
 entered the castle. King John was so impressed by this that
 he made peace! What is the moral?     Let your pages do the
 walking through the yellow fingers.

It takes years to become an overnight success

     Old Chief Gnarled Oak, turned into a millionaire by the
     discovery of oil on his reservation, was proud and
     pleased when his two boys were accepted into a swank
     yacht club. For years, it seemed, his one consuming
     ambition was to see his red sons in the sail set.

Hear about the father of the leper?
He gave away his daughter's hand in marriage.

     The famous Statesman, William Penn, had two old aunts
     named Natalie and Ellie who were great at baking pies.
     But, alas, they got greedy and raised the prices up and
     up till all the people in Quakertown were talking about
     the pie rates of Penn's aunts.

     Jack and Jill went up the hill,
     They each had a buck and a quarter.
     Jill came down and she had $2.50.

the story about the two Polacks who went hunting
together, They bagged a moose and, being big strapping fellows,
tucked a hind leg each under an arm and began dragging the
moose back to their vehicle. Another hunter came along and
suggested that dragging the moose by the hind legs created a lot
of extra friction with the hair digging into the ground. He
suggested they'd be better off dragging it by the front legs and
the hair would then slip over the ground more easily. They took
his advice and a few minutes later, one said to the other, "Dat
guy know what he was talkin' about, Dis is a lot easier." The
other agreed and said, "Only thing woriies me is, we're getting a
hell of a long way from the truck!"

  When Mary Poppins grew too old for the nanny business, she moved out t
  L.A., to open a fortune-telling shop and mouth-wash store.  She hung a
  sign out her window upon opening, which said:
    "SUPER CALIFORNIA MYSTIC.  EXPERT: HALITOSIS"

          Dig a very large hole and layer the bottom with about  a
     foot  of  ash.  Then put a line of peas around the top of the
     hole. When the elephant comes to take a pea, kick him in  the
     ash-hole.

This space intentionally not left blank.

Or....  the Travelling Salesman was weekending in a small town
whose single industry was the manufacture of coin operated
machines. It was very quiet on Saturday night so he asked the
desk clerk if there was anything going on in town. "No," replied
the clerk, "but the factory has a demo room that's open all the
time. They have some new machines there and you can try them
out." The T/S went to the factopry and found a number of
interesting machines in operation. One large one had a small
hole in the front of it and was labled, "YOUR WIFE AWAY FROM
HOME". He thought this an excellent idea, so opened his fly,
stuck his member into the hole and inserted a dollar bill. There
was immdeiate and noisy operating inside the machine and when he
withdrew his member, there was a button sewn on the end of it!

   Greetings.  Must tell you about my uncle Bill who went to
Hollywood to get a job in the movies. Bill finally got his big break
and was chosen to play a part in a western. When casting interviewed
him they asked "which part do you think you are best suited for?"
Of course uncle Bill replied "Just give me a small bit and a steer to
star by!"
There was this guy who picked up this chick at a dance.
After they danced, the guy said
"I'd take you to my house, but my parents are home."
The woman replied
"I'd let you go to my house, except my BOYFRIEND is there!"
The dude suggested that they go to his van instead.
The chick agreed and they went to the van; they both
took off their clothes, and at the point where the man
was about to enter her, the woman exclaimed
"What, no foreplay?! How about going outside and look for
a stick, and you could beat me with it!"
So the man went outside, but couldn't find any sticks. So instead
he busted the aerial off his van, and the guy and girl beat
each other on the back and they had a gay old time. The next
morning, however, the man was feeling aweful sore on the back.
He went to his doctor, who exclaimed:
"This is the worst case of Van-Aerial disease I've ever seen!"

    There was once a little land,where there lived a little
    peaceful race of people called the Trids.Everything was
    OK until a huge giant settled in their land.And if that
    weren't bad enough,whenever the giant came upon a
    Trid,he would kick him as hard as he could!Well,the
    Trids finally had had enough!Being very religious,they
    went to see their local Rabbi.Rabbi,they exclaimed!,the
    giant keeps kicking us,please help! So the Rabbi went
    over to the giant's cave and hollered"come out here;and
    explain why you keep kicking the poor little Trids!" The
    giant stuck his massive head out of the cave entrance
    and said: Silly Rabbi,kicks are for Trids!!!!!!!!

============================WARNING!===================================
A Canadian joke is approaching. This can be enjoyed by non-Canadians
as well, as long as they observe the following precautions.

1. Keep in mind that Canadians have a Prime Minister (kind of like
   a President but without the restraining powers of Congress, the
   Supreme Court or Democracy, and much, much stupider).
2. The current (2 more years max!) Prime Minister is Brian Mulroney.
3. Mulroney just had a little cabinet shuffle.


After the recent shuffle, Brian decided to take his cabinet for lunch.
The waiter took his order.
Waiter: What would you like for lunch, sir?
PM: I'll have the haddock.
Waiter: And for the vegetables, sir?
PM: Uhhhhhh. They'll have the same.

Support mental health.........Or I'll kill you.
Scene -  a schoolroom in Italy.......
Teacher: Class, can anyone tell me where the Great Lakes are?  Luigi?
Luigi: Upper U.S. !
Teacher: Oh Luigi, I'm taking you to the principal's office.

P.S. Knock, Knock.
     Who's there?
     Viaducts.
     Viaducts who?
     Viaducts valking on vebbed feet vhen zay could be svimming?

Lower the age of puberty!

Little ms. muffet
sat on her tuffet
eating her curds and whey
along came a spider and said
"What's in the bowl, b*tch?!"

     Leonard had heard so much about ice fishing that he decided to
     give it a try. He got all his ice fishing gear together, went out
     onto the ice and started to drill a hole. Suddenly, a deep,
     resonant voice from above him said, "There are no fish there".
     Leonard shrugged, picked up his equipment, moved another 50 feet
     out onto the ice and began to drill. Again, a big voice boomed,
     "There are no fish there". Leonard looked up and asked, "Are you
     God?" "No asshole, I'm the arena manager, now get out!"

Dyslexics of the World..... UNTIE!

....Then there was the hopeless case that Sherlock Holmes
solved through the use of brilliant deduction....
Watson asks, " Tell me dear Sherlock, what school did you
last attend?"
"Elementary my dear Watson, Elementary."

Did you hear about the guy who discovered his new wife thought
the smoke detector in the apartment was the oven timer.

Or how about the woman who went to the bank and got a home improvement
loan, took it home, gave it to her husband and told him to get lost.

A man went into a pet store and said to the owner, I'd like
to buy a pet that is out of the ordinary -unusual. The pet
shop owner replied, well,I have one Rairy-bird left... The
man said, I've never even heard of a Rairy-bird, that
certainly makes it unusual!, I'll take it! So the man
brought home his new Rairy-bird and soon found out that it
had a huge appetite! It was always hungry!!  Finally,the
Rairy-bird was so big and fat that it wouldn't fit inside
the house anymore, much less the cage! The man said to
himself:I've got to get rid of this animal-I can't afford to
feed it! So he rented a huge dump truck, put the Rairy-bird
into the back ,and drove to the edge of a high cliff. He
then dumped the Rairy-bird out of the truck and over the
cliff!! Thinking that all his troubles were over, the man
was driving home when he suddenly heard this singing coming
from the back of the dump- truck: I"It's a long long way to
tip-a-Rairy!!

    My old friend Roy Rodgers once got himself a brand new
    pair of cowboy boots.They were beautiful!! Out on the
    plains camping once,a huge mountain lion crept into
    Roy's camp and chewed up Roy's new cowboy boots!Roy was
    furious,and decided to never rest until he had revenged
    himself upon the ornery mountain lion! Finally he had
    the critter in the sights of his rifle!Bang!!-one dead
    mountain lion!  Heading back into town with the dead
    animal slung across his horse,a friend approached him
    and sang: Pardon me Roy, But is that the cat That chewed
    your new shoes?

Ma and Pa always made a nice ritual out of dinner - Ma brought
out her freshly baked loaves of home-made bread, and Pa would
carefully carve them into regular, even slices.  Every night,
the family would sit around the table nodding with approval as
Pa displayed his skill with the knife, barely leaving a crumb
as he divided up the loaves.  As the years went by, the kids
would all chip in and buy Pa a new knife every few Christmases.
Each time, they got him a larger, sharper, better knife.  Pa
could put a couple of loaves side-by-side and with one pass of
his knife, create several even slices of Ma's bread.  Finally,
one Christmas, the kids really outdid themselves.  They got Pa
such a fine knife that tears sprang to his eyes as he opened
the package.  Holding it aloft, he reverently exclaimed,
"I never thought that I'd own a four-loaf cleaver!"


Old Mother Hubbord went to the cubbord to get her poor daughter a dress;
When she got there the cubbard was bare and so was her daughter, I guess.

Old Mother Hubbord went to the cubbord to get her poor dog a bone;  When she
bent over rover came over and gave her a bone of his own.

Mary had a little lamb;  The Dr.'s were supprised;
  But when Old McDonald had a farm, they almost passed out.

Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet eating her curds and way;
  Along came a spider and said what ya got in the bowl bitch.

There was an old lady who lived in a shoe; She had so many children her
uterious fell out.

Once there was a Russian who had a pen-pal who lived in Africa.
They had written each other letters for about 2 years, when the
African sent a letter to his Russian friend announcing his plans
to come to Russia and visit him. The Russian, who always wanted
to meet his African friend, prepared a tour for his friend.
After meeting him at the airport, the Russian took the African on
a tour of Moscow.  When they approached Red Square, the African
saw a circle of men standing around passing something around, and
asked "What's going on down there?".  The Russian said "That's
our national game of Russian Roulette".  The African asked "How
is it played?"  The Russian said "Well, let's go watch them..."
    They went down and watched as each Russian in turn took a six-
shooter from his neighbor, spun the cylinder, placed the muzzle
to his head, and pulled the trigger.  The African said "What's
the game about?"   The Russian explained "One of the chambers is
loaded.  If you land on the loaded chamber, you are dead."  The
African says "Interesting....  Simple, yet elegant.  I like
it..."
    As the African was about to leave for home, they made plans for
the Russian to visit his African friend in his home village.
    Remeber that neat game you showed me called Russian Roulette?
We have invented our own version, called African Roulette..."  The
Russian asked "How is it different?"  The African says "Well,
let's go watch and I'll show you."

They go to the center of the village and find the following
scene:

In the center of the village, there are 20 naked men walking
around a circle.  Inside the circle, there are 20 naked women.
An old man to the side is beating on a drum.

The Russian says "OK, what's going to happen now?"  The African
replies "See the man with the drum?  When he quits beating it,
each man get's a blowjob from the woman in front of him..."  The
Russian says "Where's the fun of that?!?"  The African replies
slyly "One of the girls is a Cannibal!!!"

Save the Whales -- Collect the whole set!

 If swimming is good for your figure,
 Why do whales look the way they do?

╔═════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════╗
║  PLAYBOY'S  PARTY  Jokes                          April        1990 ║
╚═════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════╝

    An unemployed stripper begged her agent to
    find her work. He cautioned her that the only job
    available was at a longshoremen's convention--
    typically a rough gig. Because she was broke, she
    took the job anyway.
      That evening, the agent walked into the hall
    just as the stripper began her act. Before long,
    the unruly crowd began pelting her with crushed
    beer cans and cigarette butts while shouting
    obscenities, issuing lewd catcalls and trying to
    manhandle her. Halfway through her performance,
    she ran off stage, sobbing.
      "Look, they don't mean anything by it," the
    agent said consolingly. "They've just had too
    much to drink and----"
      "No, no it's not them!" she exclaimed. "Did you
    hear that f***ing band?"


╔═════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════╗
║  PLAYBOY'S  PARTY  Jokes                          April        1990 ║
╚═════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════╝

    Two miserable inhabitants of hell were taking a
    walk when a frigid breeze blew. A moment later, a
    storm dumped several inches of snow, reducing
    the blazing fires to sizzling steam. The men
    looked around in amazement.
      "What do you suppose is going on?" one asked.
      "Only thing I can figure," the other said, "is
    that the Cubs went to the series."

╔═════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════╗
║  PLAYBOY'S  PARTY  Jokes                          April        1990 ║
╚═════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════╝

    Two doctors were putting on the ninth green
    when one collapsed from a heart attack. "Help
    me," he groaned to his companion.
      "Sorry, my malpractice insurance won't cover
    it," his partner replied, walking off the green,
    "but I'll get help."
      A few minutes later, he returned, picked up his
    club and began lining up hit putt. The man on
    the ground raised his head and screamed in
    Disbelief, "I'm dying and you're putting?"
      "Don't worry. I found a doctor on the second
    hole who said he'd come and help."
      "The second hole? When the hell is he coming?"
      "Hey, I told you not to worry," he said, stroking
    his put. "They're going to let him play through."

╔═════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════╗
║  PLAYBOY'S  PARTY  Jokes                          April        1990 ║
╚═════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════╝

    Why did the Siamese twins got to England?
    So the other one could drive for a while.

╔═════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════╗
║  PLAYBOY'S  PARTY  Jokes                          April        1990 ║
╚═════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════╝

    What did Dan Quayle say when Mrs. Quayle blew
    softly in his ear?
    "Thanks for the refill."

╔═════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════╗
║  PLAYBOY'S  PARTY  Jokes                          April        1990 ║
╚═════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════╝

    After a brief absence, a nurse returned to her
    station and was quickly pulled aside by one of
    her colleagues. "Shirley, your breast is out of your
    uniform!"
      "Oh, shit," the rumpled nurse replied,
    glancing down. "Don't those damn doctors ever put
    anything away?"

╔═════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════╗
║  PLAYBOY'S  PARTY  Jokes                          April        1990 ║
╚═════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════╝

    After a late night out with the boys, the man
    undressed and slipped into bed with his wife. "Are
    you awake honey?" he whispered. When he got
    no response, he kissed her on the lips. "Hon, you
    awake?" Still no response. He kissed her on both
    breasts. "Hon, wake up." He kissed her on the
    belly. She didn't move. Then he kissed her on
    the knee.
      "You son of a bitch!" she shrieked, bolting
    upright. "If my pussy had been a bar, you wouldn't
    have missed it!

╔═════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════╗
║  PLAYBOY'S  PARTY  Jokes                          April        1990 ║
╚═════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════╝

    Heard about Zsa Zsa's new fragrance?
    It's called Conviction and you just slap it on.

╔═════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════╗
║  PLAYBOY'S  PARTY  Jokes                          April        1990 ║
╚═════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════╝

    Rumors in the fast-food industry have it that
    McDonald's is preparing to test-market a new
    burger made from bulls' lips. It'll be called the
    McJagger.

    One day in Russia,Rudy,a Communist Party member,was
    discussing the upcoming stormy weather with his
    wife,Helga.Rudy said it looked like a huge rainstorm was
    coming,but Helga said it was surely snow!Rain,said Rudy
    insistently!Snow,said Helga,stubbornly! This went on for
    quite some time,until the exasperated husband finally said:
    Rudolph the Red,knows rain,dear!!!!!!!

Why are they raising the drinking age to 23 in Newfoundland ?
To cut the drinking out of the elementary schools .

     Uncle Bill was finding the money in the movie business rather poor.
Unless you were a big star minimum wage was the best you could expect.
As Bill was having trouble making ends meet he decided to take on a
second job. After some searching he got a job out in the San Joaquin
valley guarding fields of cantalopes and casabas. Bill was issued an
old double barrel shotgun and shells loaded with rock salt. His job was
to protect the fruit from theives who would sneak in during the dark of
night. The first few nights were very difficult. Uncle Bill had a
terrible time staying awake all night, then going to his daytime acting
job. At last Bill came up with a solution. He would get a dog to help
him guard the fields. After much looking Bill found a suitable animal.
It was one of the long haired breed known for its great intelligence.
In memory of one of the dogs more famous relatives Bill named his new
pet Lassie. Guard duties became much easier. Lassie would stand watch
while her master caught a few winks. Unfortunately one dark evening a
stray dog came into the cantalope field. While Bill was sleeping Lassie
took time out for a romantic interlude. In a due span of time Lassie
gave birth to a single cute little puppy. Bill was delighted, he now
had two dogs to help with guard duties. He became very attached to the
little pup, and often refered to it as his "melon collie baby".
                                                             ;-)
Husband and wife were enjoying some horizontal recreation.
Husband stopped and asked wife. "Did I hurt you?" She replied.
"No, why?" He responded, "You moved!"

Wife tells husband that if he doesn't smarten up she'll cut him
off. He asked, "How you gonna do that? You don't even know where
I'm getting it!"

Guy asks friend if friend talks to his wife during sex. Other guy
responds, "Sure, if she happens to call!"

Guy asks friend, "Does your organ burn after you've had sex?"
Friend responds, "Don't know, never enjoyed sex enough to try and
light it!"

What's the difference between a woman in church and a woman in the
bathtub?
The woman in church has hope in her soul...

All swell that ends swollen...

    Little Miss Muffet
    Crouched on a tuffet,
    Collecting her shell-shocked wits.
    There dropped (from a glider)
    An H-Bomb beside her-
    Which blasted Miss Muffet to bits.

  What's the definition of gross???
  Diving into a bowl of snot and eating your way out!

  What's the definition of pain??
  Jumping off the CN tower and getting your nose caught on a nail!

  What's another def of pain??
  Sliding down the CN tower with razor blades strapped to your butt and
then landing in a bowl of iodine!

  What is red and scratches on glass??
  A baby in a microwave!

  What is green and doesn't scratch on glass???
  The same baby two weeks later!

  How do you get across a room without touching any babies??
  Use a snowblower!!!

  What is black and squirms??
  A half alive baby in a body sack.

  What is black, smells and doesn't squirm??
  The same baby three weeks later!!

  It was the 8th annual mouse convention and mice from near and far
  had gathered for the ball.  A pretty little female mouse waltzed by
  the stag line and one of the males whistled a low, dirty whistle to
  himself.  Turning to another male mouse he said, "Look at the legs
  on that mouse, aren't they sexy?'
    "Just fair," was the answer.
    "You crazy," said the first mouse and then turned to another,
    asked his opinion.
    "They're nice," said the third mouse, "but nothing to get excited
    about."
    "Some mice have no appreciation," exclaimed the first mouse.
    "Now you," he said to the fourth mouse, what do you think of
    them?"
    "To tell the truth," was the reply, "I'm no authority on legs,
    I'm a titmouse myself."

A young couple got married and after all the festivities the new
groom made one request of his new wife.  He told her he wanted
to designate a drawer in his bureau to be his PRIVATE DOMAIN.
She was to respect his privacy and never venture into this sacred
place of his.  Well she was agreeable to this and went on to live
a long and happy life together.
After about 45 years of this marital bliss the husband became
seriously ill, hospitalized, and not expected to survive long.
The wife sitting at home, waiting to go for a visit, decided
this may be her last opportunity to unlock the secret of his
private door so he opened it up.  Inside she found 3 golf balls
and 5000 dollars in cash.  Later at the hospital she confessed
to her dying husband of her curiosty and asked him to explain the
contents.  Well, he said,  whenever I cheated on you I  put a
golfball in the drawer.  She thought about that fora minute and
figured considering they had 45 happy years, she could forgive
3 indescretions.  She then asked of the 5000 dollars.
Oh that,  he said,  every time I got a dozen balls I sold them.

I maybe a Poet and I don't Know it.
But my Dick... It's a Longfellow!

A man stood on the Brooklyn Bridge,
his feet hung in the water.
                    - Longfellow

Two guys stop on a bridge to relieve themselves.  As they are
standing there, the first guy said "Hey, this water is cold."
The other guy replied, "Yeah, and deep too."

Two neighbors were discussing gardening one afternoon.  The lady
from next door remarked, "My but you have such a nice blush on
your tomatoes, how do you do it?"  The gentleman farmer replied,
"Oh, its easy.  Every morning before I get dressed, I walk out to
my garden in my bathrobe and flash them.  You should give that a
try."
    A few weeks later the two neighbors were again talking about
gardening, when the man asked, "By the way, how are your tomatoes
doing?  Do they have a nice blush yet?"  "No," answered the woman,
"they are the same as before.  But now my cucumbers are a foot
long!"

    If you had a faggot on your back, would you let him stay on,
    or would you beat him off?

There were two young brothers, Ted age 10 and Roy age 8.
For days they had been contemplating where they were going
to be sent for their annual summer camp. Well Ted says "My
instinct tells me we are going to be sent back to camp
Tomahawk again this year." Roy looks at him with a weird
glint in his eye and says "Well my end stinks too but it
don't tell me nuttin."

Did you pass your prune pit today?

Or the gal who wanted a unique pet for a gift for her husband, and
bought the Crunch-Bird that the pet store clerk recommended.  Why?
Well, the clerk had demonstrated.... "Crunch-Bird - CHAIR!"  Whereupon
the Crunch Bird reduced the chair to sawdust with his powerful beak.
Then, "Crunch Bird, Table!"  Another pile of dust, so she bought it on
the spot.   Well, the guy had had a terrible day at work and was in a
lousy mood.   His wife greeted him at the door and said, "Honey, look
what I bought for you today!   A Crunch Bird."
To which the grump replied, "Crunch Bird, my ass!   Gimme a beer!"

A woman in Boston hails a taxi and hops in.
Woman: Oh driver, take me to where I can get scrod.
Driver: OK lady, but shouldn't you be using the past perfect?

Beware of geeks baring GIFs.

Why doesn't the Post Office lose THIER mail?